Yeah… it’s funny this expectation thing. If one were to say eg “nah, I’m not doing that”. Most hearing it, would expect you to say why. Yet there’s no need. But the “standards / expectations” are that one should. Over the years I’ve found that a follow up answer along the lines of “I don’t feel like doing that today” helps.
Thank you for sharing that, Mark. I think you make an important point. Sometimes we feel pressure to justify even the simplest personal choices, when I don’t feel like it today is a complete and honest answer. Learning that we don’t always have to explain ourselves can be a meaningful part of reconnecting with our own voice. I appreciate you adding that perspective.
Shartaya, wow. What a powerful post. It names something that I think people hardly ever bother to acknowledge. I copied it to share with some loved ones. Thank you.
Maria, thank you so much for your kind words. It means a great deal to know this resonated with you. I’m especially honored that you felt it was meaningful enough to share with your loved ones. I truly hope it sparks thoughtful conversations and encourages people to reconnect with their own authentic selves. Thank you for being here.
They wanted to fit in and belong. They lived in the box that was created for them and conditioned young to please. This is why they didn’t know who they are. To say what they really wanted, did they even know?
Thank you, Florence. I hear what you’re saying. When someone has spent years trying to fit in and please others, it can become hard to recognize their own wants and voice. That’s really the heart of what I was exploring in this piece. I appreciate you adding to the conversation.
This made me think about the difference between identity and the true self. 🤍
I do believe there is a true self, but I also believe life keeps removing layers from us through change, transition, grief, joy, endings, and becoming.
Identity is often the construct we learn to live inside. The deeper work is noticing which parts were inherited, which parts were performed, and which parts were always trying to be revealed.
Cora, I love this perspective. Your distinction between identity and the true self is such a thoughtful one. I especially love your point about life peeling back the layers until more of our authentic selves are revealed. Thank you for adding such a beautiful reflection to the conversation.
Thank you, Shartaya. 🤍 Your article is what sparked the reflection, so I'm grateful you created the space for the conversation. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
As I get older the more I see most people aren’t clear on what they truly want. We’ve been programmed to want a certain life or things. A lot of the time neither of those align with who we really are and our values. Getting clear on those will change your life and help you course correct when you get stuck.
Thank you, Craig. I really like your point about getting clear on our values. It’s amazing how much easier it is to make decisions and stay true to ourselves when we know what truly matters. I appreciate you sharing your perspective.
Oof! "I didn’t realize that somewhere along the way, I had become so busy meeting other people’s expectations that I had stopped asking myself one simple question: What do I actually want? That question sounds easy. It isn’t." Did you read my journal? I finally learned that nurturing my voice and my story matters. Otherwise, how can I possibly serve from an empty vessel?
Cathy, thank you for sharing that. It sounds like you’ve been doing some deep and meaningful work. I love what you said about nurturing your own voice and story. You’re so right. We can’t pour into others from an empty vessel. I’m grateful this post resonated with your journey, and I appreciate you sharing that insight.
Earlier this year, I said to someone, "tell me who you need me to be through this process, and I'll be that person." He sounded truly disgusted when he replied, "that sounds incredibly manipulative. Don't say that."
I was flabergasted, because I was just trying to be accomodating. I was trying to do the thing I had always done. "Tell me who you need/want me to be, and I'll be that person."
I've since learned that it's a trauma response, one that I internalized as a young child, and have nurtured ever since.
So, this year, aside from a whole lot of adjusting to new changes, I've been working on figuring out who I am when I'm not masking for others. It started with asking myself "do I really want this" when I reach for things out of habit or answer questions by rote. It's harder than anything I've ever had to do.
Jessica, thank you for sharing something so personal. It takes a lot of courage to recognize those patterns and begin asking yourself those deeper questions. I really admire the work you’re doing to discover who you are beneath the masking. You’re right, it isn’t easy, but I believe that kind of honest self discovery is where real freedom begins. I’m wishing you continued grace and courage on that journey.
this one is quite similar to my recent piece and it's good to know people are realizing this reality and actually trying to be themselves bec that matters.
Thank you, Kinza. I love that we were writing about such a similar theme. I think it speaks to how many people are longing to live more authentically. The more we encourage one another to know ourselves instead of performing for others, the more freedom we create. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Shartaya, I think you make some excellent points about how one can lose their own identity trying to be too agreeable and just get along. I saw this in my late Dad, he used to even say outright at times that he was just trying to "go along" with my late Mom's wishes. But I know there were things he wanted to do he never got to, so at what cost was that?
I've never been one to work hard at fitting in, but you're absolutely right, that when you do try it even for a few hours, it can truly be exhausting. For me that is typically the rare offsite work event.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Melanie. Your story about your dad really touched me. It’s heartbreaking to think about the dreams people quietly set aside just to keep the peace. I also appreciate your honesty about how exhausting it can be to fit in, even for a few hours. I think that’s something many people can relate to more than they realize. Thank you for adding such a meaningful perspective to the conversation.
The last line will linger with me:) it's the courage to become who one is always meant to be! love that. You have articulated it very well, so earnest.
Thank you so much, Apurva. That means a lot to me. I hoped that final line would leave readers with something to carry beyond the post. I truly believe it takes courage to become who we were always meant to be, and I’m so glad it resonated with you. Thank you for your kind words.
Yeah… it’s funny this expectation thing. If one were to say eg “nah, I’m not doing that”. Most hearing it, would expect you to say why. Yet there’s no need. But the “standards / expectations” are that one should. Over the years I’ve found that a follow up answer along the lines of “I don’t feel like doing that today” helps.
Thank you for sharing that, Mark. I think you make an important point. Sometimes we feel pressure to justify even the simplest personal choices, when I don’t feel like it today is a complete and honest answer. Learning that we don’t always have to explain ourselves can be a meaningful part of reconnecting with our own voice. I appreciate you adding that perspective.
Shartaya, wow. What a powerful post. It names something that I think people hardly ever bother to acknowledge. I copied it to share with some loved ones. Thank you.
Maria, thank you so much for your kind words. It means a great deal to know this resonated with you. I’m especially honored that you felt it was meaningful enough to share with your loved ones. I truly hope it sparks thoughtful conversations and encourages people to reconnect with their own authentic selves. Thank you for being here.
They wanted to fit in and belong. They lived in the box that was created for them and conditioned young to please. This is why they didn’t know who they are. To say what they really wanted, did they even know?
Thank you, Florence. I hear what you’re saying. When someone has spent years trying to fit in and please others, it can become hard to recognize their own wants and voice. That’s really the heart of what I was exploring in this piece. I appreciate you adding to the conversation.
This made me think about the difference between identity and the true self. 🤍
I do believe there is a true self, but I also believe life keeps removing layers from us through change, transition, grief, joy, endings, and becoming.
Identity is often the construct we learn to live inside. The deeper work is noticing which parts were inherited, which parts were performed, and which parts were always trying to be revealed.
Cora, I love this perspective. Your distinction between identity and the true self is such a thoughtful one. I especially love your point about life peeling back the layers until more of our authentic selves are revealed. Thank you for adding such a beautiful reflection to the conversation.
Thank you, Shartaya. 🤍 Your article is what sparked the reflection, so I'm grateful you created the space for the conversation. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Thank you, Cora. Your kind words truly mean a lot to me. I’m grateful the article resonated with you.
As I get older the more I see most people aren’t clear on what they truly want. We’ve been programmed to want a certain life or things. A lot of the time neither of those align with who we really are and our values. Getting clear on those will change your life and help you course correct when you get stuck.
Thank you, Craig. I really like your point about getting clear on our values. It’s amazing how much easier it is to make decisions and stay true to ourselves when we know what truly matters. I appreciate you sharing your perspective.
It’s just so much easier to stick with the things that matter to you.
Oof! "I didn’t realize that somewhere along the way, I had become so busy meeting other people’s expectations that I had stopped asking myself one simple question: What do I actually want? That question sounds easy. It isn’t." Did you read my journal? I finally learned that nurturing my voice and my story matters. Otherwise, how can I possibly serve from an empty vessel?
Cathy, thank you for sharing that. It sounds like you’ve been doing some deep and meaningful work. I love what you said about nurturing your own voice and story. You’re so right. We can’t pour into others from an empty vessel. I’m grateful this post resonated with your journey, and I appreciate you sharing that insight.
Earlier this year, I said to someone, "tell me who you need me to be through this process, and I'll be that person." He sounded truly disgusted when he replied, "that sounds incredibly manipulative. Don't say that."
I was flabergasted, because I was just trying to be accomodating. I was trying to do the thing I had always done. "Tell me who you need/want me to be, and I'll be that person."
I've since learned that it's a trauma response, one that I internalized as a young child, and have nurtured ever since.
So, this year, aside from a whole lot of adjusting to new changes, I've been working on figuring out who I am when I'm not masking for others. It started with asking myself "do I really want this" when I reach for things out of habit or answer questions by rote. It's harder than anything I've ever had to do.
Jessica, thank you for sharing something so personal. It takes a lot of courage to recognize those patterns and begin asking yourself those deeper questions. I really admire the work you’re doing to discover who you are beneath the masking. You’re right, it isn’t easy, but I believe that kind of honest self discovery is where real freedom begins. I’m wishing you continued grace and courage on that journey.
this one is quite similar to my recent piece and it's good to know people are realizing this reality and actually trying to be themselves bec that matters.
Thank you, Kinza. I love that we were writing about such a similar theme. I think it speaks to how many people are longing to live more authentically. The more we encourage one another to know ourselves instead of performing for others, the more freedom we create. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
i second.
Another great post.
Thank you so much, Patty! I’m really grateful you took the time to read it, and I’m so glad it resonated with you.
Shartaya, I think you make some excellent points about how one can lose their own identity trying to be too agreeable and just get along. I saw this in my late Dad, he used to even say outright at times that he was just trying to "go along" with my late Mom's wishes. But I know there were things he wanted to do he never got to, so at what cost was that?
I've never been one to work hard at fitting in, but you're absolutely right, that when you do try it even for a few hours, it can truly be exhausting. For me that is typically the rare offsite work event.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Melanie. Your story about your dad really touched me. It’s heartbreaking to think about the dreams people quietly set aside just to keep the peace. I also appreciate your honesty about how exhausting it can be to fit in, even for a few hours. I think that’s something many people can relate to more than they realize. Thank you for adding such a meaningful perspective to the conversation.
My pleasure Shartaya, your piece got me reflecting for sure!
The last line will linger with me:) it's the courage to become who one is always meant to be! love that. You have articulated it very well, so earnest.
Thank you so much, Apurva. That means a lot to me. I hoped that final line would leave readers with something to carry beyond the post. I truly believe it takes courage to become who we were always meant to be, and I’m so glad it resonated with you. Thank you for your kind words.